Haunted
by katachresis
Summary: After Hokuto's death, Subaru decides to take control of his life, though even that may not be enough to escape his destiny :: Finished!
1. Haunted

Notes and Warnings:  
Yaoi. Duh. If you know who Subaru and Seishirou are, you'll know that they're yaoific. If you don't, trust me. It's cannon. . 

Also, this is muchly AU. You may even think that Subaru is OOC. He is, mildly. But all I've done is given him a spine.

This was originally a songfic, changed to adhere to new (even more annoyingly restrictive) rules and can be found in its original form on http/ It's an album-fic for Poe's Haunted. Because it fits Subaru, damnit. Or at least my ideal of Subaru. This is a fic in which Subaru isn't broken by Seishirou. Or... rather, he is. But damnit, he -does- something about that. It's about his reclaiming himself. It's about a different type of self-destruction than he indulges in during X.

This is all written because Subaru is a badass, yo.

Haunted - Chapter 1 - Haunted

People ask me why I am who I am. It's obvious to anyone who spends time with me that I'm not quite-whole. Maybe not even sane. No one dares to actually say that, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're thinking. I assure you, however, that I'm perfectly sane. I'm just hurting. I'm always hurting.

I've had a long time to think about it. A long time alone, to angst and rage and scream. And I still am. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop. If I'll stop. God knows, I've tried in every way imaginable to get over it.

Being like this... It sickens me, how weak I let myself be. I hate the fact that I still call for him in my dreams. That I still see him there, smiling as he breaks me. I wake up sometimes, hot and sticky, my throat dry and hoarse from screaming for him.

Everyone knows a little bit, of course. The official story is that my twin sister disappeared - presumed kidnapped and murdered by some unknown psychopath. The family couldn't reveal the details of her death, of course. The story is vague enough to be uncontestable, plausible.

There are, of course, those few that know the truth of her disappearance. Because of that, they think they have it all nailed down. They know that my sister was killed by Sakurazuka Seishirou; the Sakurazukamori. The one person who could be considered my natural enemy. I suppose they think I hate him. They assume that I'm trying to avenge my sister at very least.

They're wrong, of course. It's all so much more complicated than that.

Those people who think they have me all figured out don't know everything, or even close to it. Sure they know the truth of how my sister died, but they really don't know why she died. And that's really the important part. She, after all, went to her murder with eyes open. She chose her death. She chose to save me. I'll never really forgive her for that, though I understand it. I would have done the same if our situations had been reversed.

Of course, I generally never feel like enlightening those who don't know this. Sue me, it's really none of their business. And it's rather... embarrassing. Should I really tell them that she let him murder her because she still hoped that we could love each other without destroying each other? Or that I'm still obsessed with the man who killed my sister and destroyed my life to the point of being truly unable to kill him?

Here, now, to you-- I suppose it's the only time I could really tell this story in it's entirety and have it understood. Perhaps you're the only other person in the world who has a chance of really understanding it. We're so alike sometimes that it scares me.

Being a Dragon of Heaven has been so hard. To care for others above myself, above him, when I never felt it.

But then, it doesn't matter what I feel so much as what I do, does it?

I suppose that's why I lost the bet. Maybe if I had been able to demonstrate my feelings as well as he did. Maybe if I could - just once - say those words back. Kiss him. Hold his hand without embarrassment. Hell, even respond to his seduction attempts. He left everything up to me, and I know he could have forced it, forced me without me even realizing it. Instead, he let me make my own decisions. I respect that, I do. But I could never initiate things with him. Even when we were alone, I was too embarrassed and afraid.

Honestly, I can't blame him for how things turned out. How could he feel anything for me when I couldn't return those feelings? How could he love such a child?

Of course, I don't share my story with just anyone. I'm telling you, right now, because you need to hear it. You need to know who I am and why. It's hard, opening myself to you. To anyone, now. I've always had trouble with really talking to people, and since I lost her, I've never had anyone I was that comfortable enough with.

Maybe I could have been that close to him, given time. But back then, it was impossible. I was dealing with too much, more than any teenager should have to. Fulfilling my duties as Sumeragi clan head, dealing with my sister, trying to pass my classes. And struggling, of course, with my feelings for Seishirou-san. Back then, they seemed so... wrong. Perverted.

I know better now, of course. But then, every time I saw him, my mouth went dry and I wanted him to hold me and I wanted to run far, far away.

Now when I see him, it's not much different. It's more complex, granted. There's rage and fear and pain and lust and love and a hundred different things I can't name, but in the end, the effects on me are relatively the same. He capitalizes on that, of course. He likes to remind me of the past, to make me into that child that I was.

I envy him, you know. He doesn't possess this weakness. His feelings - if he does indeed have them - don't cripple him like they do me. Some days, I feel like I have no emotions left. Like I've killed them all, turning them off one by one - completing the process he started for me.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. I'm sure you don't care. You never have, not really. But who knows? Tonight, I'll make a bet of my own.  
... Will you listen to my story, Seishirou-san?


	2. Control

Second chapter of Haunted - Control. Warnings, of course, are yaoi themes, darkish, and AU. This is where I start playing around with the actual storyline. Just... tweaking a bit and filling in. 

Please, review after you read. Reviews make me happy! And if you really like it and want to keep up with it, you can check my writing journal at http/ -- I post beta chapters and snippets there.

Control

My story won't be an easy one to listen to. It's fragmentary in the extreme, and who knows? I may begin telling you about one incident and then switch to another, leaving the first unfinished. Bear with me. Everything I say today will be entirely relevant.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. That's traditional, right? Very well. There were things that came before, of course, but the beginning of it all was when she died.

Hokuto, my twin. She was always the strong one of us, never wavering, even when I felt life was going to crush us both. When things got rough, it was always her who supported me. Through my training to be an onmyouji, through our parent's deaths... through everything. I grew to depend on her, even more than I already did because of our twin-bond. She was my sister, mother, best friend... she was everything to me.

Hokuto wasn't like me. She had plans. She had goals. Always the motivated one, always the one who could dream. She had a dream for me you know. More than one, I'm sure. Of course, I had a couple dreams of my own. But as much as I dreamed, things always seemed so out of reach to me. As The Sumeragi, my life is not my own. It is constrained by my duty, I've known this since I was very young. But not Hokuto. She understood me, my dreams, my needs much better than I did. That's why she tried to give me love and happiness. She tried up until the day she died.

I saw every second of her death, you know. I was standing there, a silent witness to it all. She called my name in those final moments. The last name on her lips was mine. I could barely hear it, but I could see her form the syllables. She talked to him too, cupping his face in her hand, coated his cheek with her own blood, but their conversation was too quiet for me to make out. I screamed for her, sobbing as he turned to me. I couldn't see his eyes, but I didn't need to. I knew they held only coldness. There was a smile on his lips as he held my twin's body in his arms. He smirked as they both dissolved into sakura blossoms.

I awoke from my coma, crying her name and choking the scent of sakura, my anger and betrayal. My grandmother was there. She seemed so frail as she held me, kept me from acting rashly. She was shocked to hear the news. I wonder why.

I wasn't shocked anymore, I was enraged. He couldn't shock me anymore, I was past that point. But he could still hurt me, and he did. After the initial agony of losing my twin, anger flooded me, overwhelming the pain that had kept me locked away in my heart.

I leaned the meaning of rage and hate that day. I had my first taste of all those negative, soul-devouring emotions, and I relished them, held them to me. The washed away my grief, gave me something to do besides love in vain, ache helplessly as my heart closed around me.

I could hate, and I would. I would hate with all the passion that I ever had in loving. With more even.

I made what I consider to be my first important decision that day. I remember looking out the window, over the Tokyo we all had loved for our own special reasons. I contemplated the city, the smog that hung in the sky... and knew, somehow what my fate would be.

I walked away from my dreams that day.

I dropped out of school, re-dedicated my life. Dreams were pointless. They were only illusion, not reality. Just like him.

I swore that I wouldn't let him beat me.

Grandmother was still weeping as I told her my plans in a quiet voice. I fully became the head of the Sumeragi clan that day, took leadership of it. Tears flowed unrestrained down Grandmother's face as she watched me with eyes that had lost their dignified reserve. When I had finished speaking, she seemed to crumble into herself. Her shoulders trembled as she gave herself over to grief, gave her burden to me.

I had only heard her cry like that once before... when my father had died at the hands of the Sakurazukamori. Distantly, I wondered if there was a special cry that she had for Sakurazukamori deaths. Her cries were less sobs and more a soft keening wail. It was chilling.

I left her to mourn then. I slipped out of my apartment, found myself just staring at Hokuto's door. I didn't want to go inside. I didn't know what I'd find there. I stood, fingertips lingering on the dirt-smudged paint under the number on the door.

Finally, I dropped my hand to the cold knob, turned it. Her door was unlocked, and it swung open silently.

I wandered her apartment aimlessly, not touching anything. The place was in a state of disarray, she hadn't bothered to clean it. It was if she'd come in at any moment.

In her bathroom, I found a sketch taped to a mirror. Hokuto had drawn it. This, I pulled down, studied it.

Hokuto's drawings were always cute, fun, and her characters chibified. She claimed it was to make up for her lack of artistic skill, but this drawing was different. It was realistic, lovingly detailed, breathtaking with a skill I hadn't known she had. She had drawn us. Seishirou and I stood on the beach, arms linked as we laughed. Hokuto was there too, carried piggyback by another man, one I didn't recognize. His hair was long, and his eyes were sad, even as he smiled.

There was writing on the bottom of the picture. Her messy, cheerful handwriting declaring that someday, the Sumeragi twins would have a day at the beach with their true loves.

True loves? I was momentarily taken aback. She hadn't mentioned that she was seeing anyone.

Suddenly, looking into Hokuto's face was like looking into a stranger's.

I loosely folded the drawing, once, twice... till it was just a bit smaller than my hand. Dimly, I felt as if I should be crying. That was what one did in a situation like this, right? I held the paper dispassionately. I didn't feel like crying.

It was a little frightening, then, to realize that I didn't feel much of anything but that anger that burned within me. It left no room for me to mourn her dreams. Letting the drawing fall into the sink, I made use of a lighter, purloined from Hokuto's makeup drawer.

I could still hear Grandmother's sobs, soft, painful echoes that hovered on the edge of consciousness. I shut them out as best I could, deafening myself to them.

I watched the picture burn in the sink, barely flinching as the smoke detector shrieked to life.

Seishirou loved this city because it was the only city that could enjoy itself as it walked the path to destruction.

I wondered idly then, if I walked that path of self-destruction, willingly, what he would think of me. 


	3. Terrible Thought

Thanks to the twinchan and Mitsu for being my betas! Warnings: non-consensual m/m sex (not graphic), original character, and more fucking around with Subaru's mind. 

-- Terrible Thought --

It was then, in the year after Hokuto's death, that I really began to change, deliberately. First, I threw out all the clothing, the matching-themed outfits. Buying my own clothes was difficult, strange. I ended up getting a lot of the same things, all in black, all simple, nondescript.

Except for the jacket. The colorless shadow of Seishirou's. It was an impulse, and I regretted it almost immediately. But still, I wore it. It was a way of remembering, I suppose.

I cleaned out the apartments completely, getting rid of most of her things, sending the important ones to Grandmother, who had left for Kyoto, and giving the rest to charity. It was surreal in the apartments without Hokuto, and even if I had wanted to stay, Grandmother wouldn't hear of me living there anymore.

I remember when I first found the cigarettes. The pack was open, but still mostly full, and the smell of them brought back so many memories. I stood there with them, my eyes almost completely shut, the pack lifted to my lips, which trembled.

I couldn't throw them out, for some reason. I slipped them into the pocket of my new white jacket, where they sat, for weeks. I'd find myself running my fingers over the pack unconsciously. I suppose they comforted me in a way.

Once, when I slipped my hand into my pocket, one of the cigarettes had slid out. I pulled it out, studied it. I was on the way home from working, and I stopped, in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at it.

"Need a light?" A teenager, my age or perhaps just a bit older, dressed in some absurd outfit that seemed completely composed of spandex and electrical tape. Jet black hair with shocking white tips fell over his dark eyes, which were touched up with just the faintest hints of makeup. I stared at him for a moment, not quite processing what he was asking.

Slowly, I felt myself nodding, holding the cigarette to my lips like I had seen him do so many times. Sucking in slightly as I watched the flame lick the tip of the cigarette, until the end glowed.

The smoke hit my lungs like a hammer. It hurt, the sensation of the smoke filling my lungs like nothing I had ever experienced. I was coughing, deep wheezing coughs that left me dazed and weak.

The boy was laughing, patting me on the back. "First timer!" I realized suddenly that he was uncomfortably close, pressed up against my side. He reached into my pocket, before I could stop him, pulling out the pack of cigarettes. I watched him warily as he whistled lowly.

He lifted his eyes to mine, a smile creasing the corners of his eyes. "Nice taste."

I shrugged, trying to dislodge the arm he had tossed over my shoulders. Suddenly, I was desperate to be somewhere else. He was staring at me. I averted my gaze quickly. "Thanks." My answer was clipped, cold. I hoped he would get the message.

He didn't. He leaned closer, brushing his lips over mine, flicking his tongue out just the slightest bit as he slid the cigarettes into my pocket. I stood still, in shock.

"I'm Kazuhiko." He smiled at me, knowingly, and I shivered, feeling repulsed. He pulled away, letting me go. "I'll see you again, sexy."

I was blushing. He turned away, back to his friends, and I could hear their breathless giggles. I gathered as much of my dignity as I could, continuing on my way, ignoring them.

That night, I bought a lighter.

I sat down in the kitchen, the fluorescent lamp of my new apartment flickering. The place was really rather seedy. I was lucky Grandmother hadn't seen it, or she would have had a fit and absolutely refused to let me live there. She wouldn't understand that the location was convenient, the rent was cheap, and I really didn't care about the classiness of the place anymore.

I pulled the pack out of my pocket, tossing it on the table. A card fell out of my fingers, slipping to the floor. I ignored it as I slid out another cigarette, lighting it with hands that trembled ever-so-slightly.

This time, I inhaled more cautiously. It still stung, but this time, I managed not to cough. I concentrated on the pain of it, almost enjoying it. I breathed in the smoke slowly, let it out... letting the cigarette dangle between my hands like he used to.

Finally, when the nicotine had hit me, leaving me slightly dizzy and disoriented, I leaned down to pick up whatever had fallen.

It was Kazuhiko's business card, such as it was. I turned it over in my hand, studying it. Nothing more than his first name, cell phone number, and scrawled on it in pen, the name of a local club.

A half hour later, I was at the club.

To this day, I don't know why I went, precisely. I suppose there were many reasons. I wanted to forget everything. Wanted to see what Kazuhiko wanted of me. Wanted to see if the boy was actually there... and perhaps, without really understanding it, I wanted to destroy myself until there was nothing of the 'me' that Seishirou had claimed for his own.

The club was private, invitation-only. They let me in as soon as I showed them Kazuhiko's card, and pointed me in the right direction, which surprised me. It was also dark, and much more quiet than I would have expected. There were a lot of people, but the music was just barely loud enough to be heard over the hum of conversation.

I made my way to the back of the room, through the dance floor packed with couples, slowly rubbing up against each other to the barely-heard music. The silence was eerie.

I saw him before he saw me. He was in a different outfit, what looked to be soft white leather pants and a ripped translucent shirt. He was watching the dancers, smoking a cigarette, alone.

I was about to back away, to disappear into the crowd and leave, when he spotted me.

He smiled, in the half light of the club, and his eyes were dark, riveting. He sauntered over to me. "Thought you'd never show up, sexy." His voice was low, mesmerizing. He took another drag off his cigarette, then offered it to me, his lips quirked in a small, mocking smile.

I took it from him, and he raised his eyebrows as I brought it to my lips.

He smiled as I handed it back to him, letting the smoke filter out slowly as I suppressed the urge to cough by will alone, then grabbed my wrist, pulling me through the crowd, towards the bar, which glowed a diffused neon blue through the smoky room.

I got a strange double-image of Seishirou pulling me like this, through the crowds on the street, on one of our ridiculous "dates." My head swam, and I stumbled into him. I could hear his low chuckle as he slid his arm around my waist.

"Take it easy, sexy." His words, whispered in my ear, gave me chills.

He pulled me up to the bar, leaned over it languidly. I was struck by how graceful he was. A few people looked over at him appreciatively. There were also a few eyes on me. I blushed, averting my eyes from those strangers.

He pulled money out of his back pocket, handed it to the bartender, who passed him two drinks in return. He turned to give me a slow smile, and I felt my blush deepening as he pushed the glass into my hands.

We clinked the glasses together, and I drank. It was the first time I had tried alcohol; and I sipped at it tentatively at first. He had chosen well, something that tasted like pink lemonade with just the slightest kick.

I didn't know why then, but I felt somehow as if I was betraying Seishirou-san as he watched me with a half-smile over the rim of his glass. And instead of the pain and anger that I expected to feel at that... I felt liberated. Powerful. I smiled back at Kazuhiko, sealing my betrayal.

He ordered us another, as soon as we had finished our first drinks. And then another. And another, and then I lost count, and the world began to take a pleasant fuzziness. And we talked, about nothing and everything, and all the things that no one had ever bothered to talk to me about before.

He talked to me like I used to imagine a normal friend would. And I felt like a teenager, not the strange child leading an adult's life that I had for so long. He slung his arm around me as we talked, and we were laughing, something I hadn't done since Seishirou-san was in the hospital.

Somehow, he ended up back at my apartment. I vaguely remember that he was walking me home because I could barely stand up. But then, I don't remember much about the night.

I woke up, naked, tangled in his arms, and I couldn't tell you what I felt. There was panic, disorientation, fear, and guilt, and a deeper emotion, both cold and satisfied at once. I stared at him as he slept, a smug smile on his lips, trying to figure out what to do.

I was shivering, and I pulled away from him, falling back to the futon to stare at the ceiling.

I stared at the stranger next to me, hardly comprehending the significance of his presence. All that kept running through my mind is how badly I wished it was Seishirou.

He woke up as I was sliding out of the sheets, trying not to disturb him. He grinned, and without saying so much as two words, he was on top of me, pinning me down to the futon, nipping at my ear, neck, shoulder.

I tried to tell him no, to pull away from him, but he wouldn't let me go. He was stronger than I had anticipated. This time, I remembered, and though he made sure I enjoyed it, I was mostly-unsuccessfully holding back tears by the time he had finished with me.

He curled around my body as I bit my lip, trying to control my sobs. I didn't even know why I was crying. He was laughing, quietly, letting his lips drift over my hair. Finally, he left me, to take a shower. I lay on my back, holding up my hand, staring at the marking on the back of it... and the subtle purple bruises that circled my wrists.

I was gone before Kazuhiko was out of the shower. I needed to think, needed time to process what I had done.

I went to the park nearby, sat down on a bench, pulling the cigarettes out of my pocket and staring at them. Memories were hitting me, one after another, hard and fast, and they made me want to curl into a ball and never move again.

I wanted to cry, on some level needed too. But instead I took a deep breath, slid out a cigarette, and lit it. I studied my free hand, tracing the outline of the star with the butt of the cigarette. I supposed that now, I was damaged goods. I felt empty, as I traced his marks over and over again.

Across the park, sakura trees lifted bare, skeletal branches to the grey sky.

I called Grandmother from a payphone. She began giving me new jobs without asking how I was doing. Perhaps she didn't want to talk about... anything. Perhaps it was her defense against breaking down. But I wanted it, needed it. Needed to tell someone about what had happened. I needed advice, guidance. Perhaps if she had given me that, things would have played out different.

She didn't. I listened to her in silence, my voice, when I did speak, neutral, emotionless. She talked to me impersonally, as if I was an employee. When I hung up the phone, I felt even emptier than I had when I picked it up.

When I came back, he was still there - and there were a few bags piled neatly in the corner. I said nothing about it. I let him stay.


	4. Walk the Walk

Note for this chapter: Information about Subaru's family taken from Ueno Park. (now defunct?)Anything not on that page, I made up. Subaru's past is so undetailed. :E 

Xin and Colin, thanks for the beta-reading!

Also, announcement. Anyone who would like to be notified when I update, I've got a mailing list now! http/groups. (end shameless self-promotion :X)

-- Walk the Walk --

Kazuhiko once asked me about my family. I remember I was lying in his arms after sex, and he just asked, out of the blue. I was falling asleep, but he was irritatingly awake, probably having taken some bizarre and potentially deadly combination of drugs. The question took me by surprise. He and I were not accustomed to talking, to sharing details about our lives. In fact, I don't think I ever heard his family name.

It took me a good while to answer. I frowned, and the silence stretched between us. Finally, I sighed, shifted slightly in his arms, stared at the wall.

"My family... is very traditional." I paused, waiting for him to leap in, to babble about his own family, or against traditionalists, or start insulting me. He was silent, but I felt him nod.

"I suppose you know the story," I continued after a moment. "It's a relatively popular one. My family is one of those large, traditional clans. They've got all those stereotypical things too, ancient superstitions, rituals... the family profession, rules of marriage and propriety and all kinds of irritatingly obscure things."

He chuckled. "Sounds harsh. How did your parents meet?"

"They were high-school sweethearts. They married young, right after graduation. But mother... she never really... fit in, I guess. She had trouble adjusting to the traditions of the clan, her family was very progressive, many of them were American. One of my earliest memories of her was an argument they all had over our training. I remember that she was terribly beautiful."

"Our?" his query made my breath catch. I had forgotten that he didn't know.

"My twin sister, Hokuto." I kept my voice carefully neutral.

"Why was your mother against your training?"

I shrugged. "I suppose she didn't really believe in it. And she probably wanted us to make our own decisions about it. I don't know much about her. Both my parents died when I was very young."

"How did they die?" Kazuhiko's voice was soft, his breath on my neck tickled. I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. He was warm, and his arm around me was somehow comforting.

"My father... He was murdered. An unsolved case, according to the police."

"Shit..." his voice was awed. "Your mother too?"

"No. Mother - she just sort of slipped away after that. She died shortly after he did. Hokuto and I were sent to live with Grandmother, in Kyoto."

He made a sound of disgust. "So you got to live with the cold old bitch, eh?"

The comment made me angry, and I had to remind myself that he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Grandmother was wonderful to us both. She could be a bit strict, but we always knew that she loved us, even though it was sometimes hard for her to show it. And the training - I didn't mind it. She had to have an heir, after all, and it made her happy."

That seemed to throw him, he lapsed into a thoughtful silence. I sighed in relief and relaxed, closing my eyes again. I was tired.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, he asked the one question that I had been trying to avoid. "What happened to your sister? Man, I didn't even know you -had- a sister. Where've you been hiding her?"

I twisted in his arms, to catch the back of his head, pull his mouth to mine desperately. He was getting too close.

I had never initiated things between us before. I think I surprised him. I know I surprised myself, but I didn't want to think about her, or her murder, and above all, didn't want him to know. He broke the kiss off with an irritated growl and tried to push me away. I caught his wrists as his hands pushed at me, forced them back down to the bed. Kissed him again, deeply, nipping at his lips.

He started kissing me back, pulling from my grip to roll us over, take control. I let him. I was exhausted.

The rest of the night went by in something of a haze. I only dimly registered the things Kazuhiko did to my body. But then, life had begun doing that lately... it was becoming hard to distinguish reality from dreams.

He finally dozed off next to me. I closed my eyes, and they burned. I was unbelievably tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I watched him as he slept, hating him, for what he was making me into, even as I knew it wasn't his fault. I was fully aware of all of my choices. Why did I still let him stay? What was I doing here?

It had been months since I saw my grandmother last.

I should visit her again. I wondered vaguely how she was doing. We barely talked anymore. Sometimes she asked me how I was. I never answered her. I didn't want to hurt her with the truth.

I got up, shivering, gathered up some clothes, and took them into the bathroom. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand, then just - stood there, closing my eyes under the water until it turned icy, letting it run over me, clear my mind.

I didn't want him here. I never did. I wanted him gone. Having him here made everything just a little bit harder. I had to get rid of him. He was using me - and perhaps I was using him too, but I didn't really need him and I didn't want him.

I turned the water off, dried myself off. I was shivering, and my exhaustion hit me again. I pulled the clothes on, more out of coldness and a desire to not go back to bed naked than a sense of modesty.

I slid back in next to Kazuhiko. I'd kick him out in the morning. After I had slept some.

Kazuhiko moaned beside me, and I turned to watch his eyes flutter open. He cocked a half-smile at me. I just stared at him, entranced at how distorted his face looked. He reached out towards me. No... past me, to the bottle of pills he had left next to the futon. His hand shook.

I stared at the pills for a second, trying to mentally calculate how stoned he already was. Then I picked them up, and tossed them to Kazuhiko, who clumsily tried to catch them, scrambling for the bottle when it got away from him.

His hands fumbled on the childproof lid, barely managing to wrench it open and spill out a handful of pills. He tossed a few down his throat and more down his chest. With a slurred sentence that could have been "thank you" but was probably something less polite, he slumped back into unconsciousness with an angelic smile.

I watched him as he slept, counted his breaths till I ran out of numbers. Watched them grow slower and slower... until I couldn't watch anymore, until I had to turn away. I went to the kitchen and made myself some tea. I didn't drink it, I stared at it.

I must have spend hours in the kitchen, sitting at the table, and staring blankly at the walls. It was difficult to think.

My phone rang twice. One left a message, about a job in Kyoto. I called them back, made an appointment, got the details, and directions. Made notes in my calendar.

It was some time before I went back into the room. By that time, Kazuhiko's body was colder than the tea I had poured.

When the police came, they took my silence for distress. One of them tried to offer me the name of a good counselor. Another tried to offer me his phone number. I shrugged them off, hurried them out.

As soon as they were gone, I called Grandmother and arranged to stay with her at the estate while I was in town. The next day, I would put in my notice on the apartment.

I spread out the newspaper, looking at the housing ads. One caught my eye, and I circled it. It would be nice to live next to the park again. It was almost spring.


	5. Terrified Heart

Terribly terribly short chapter. That's because it's a terribly, terribly short song. Really, this is all of it, spoken words and all. :X But I couldn't just throw it out, it was so pretty! Don't worry, the next chapter will be coming relatively soon, and it'll be a good one, I promise! 

Thanks to Colin, for technicals and beta.

And for those of you who have asked, this fic is going to be about 16 chapters long, and I have every intention of finishing it But remember, reviews make me happier about writing this fic in particular over the other projects I've got going, so please, if you like it, review once in a while, ne?

-- Terrified Heart --

The phone was ringing. I was unpacking in my new apartment, kneeling on the ground next to a box full of books, all of which had to do with work.

It kept ringing, a high incessant noise. I briefly considered unplugging it. Grandmother hadn't stopped calling me since I left Kyoto. I suppose she was worried about me, ever since she heard about Kazuhiko, but I didn't want to talk about it. If she had something important to tell me, she could damn well leave a message, just like everyone else.

I stood up, stretching a little. It felt good to be alone again. I made my way past the depressingly few boxes that littered the room, and looked out the window, enjoying the view.

The answering machine clicked on, and I paused in the middle of lighting a cigarette to glance at it. Grandmother's voice, familiar and tired, came on.

Listening to her voice, the way it trembled when she asked if I was all right - it was almost as if I were listening to the voice of a stranger.

Didn't she understand? Kazuhiko's death just left me - cold. I wasn't in love with the boy. He was nothing more than a certain kind of masochistic convenience. I probably would forget him in a few months.

I turned back to the window. From the high vantage point, through the buildings, you could just see the barest hint of branches and fragile green leaves. It was so close, here. Comforting, in a way. I raised my hand to the glass, feeling the warmth of the sun on it.

I wondered if he was there. If he had been there recently. If he would be there tonight.


	6. Wild

In response to one of mah reviews, from Dark Mousy: I work entirely from manga, not from the anime series, just fyi... So, check Tokyo Babylon volume 7, pages 74-76. Hokuto calls out her brother's name, not Kakyou's. As far as I know, Kakyou wasn't even invented as a character by this point. He is never mentioned in the Tokyo Babylon manga, and without going through all of my manga in detail, I -believe- the first time she's ever mentioned in context with him is the very end of X14, and Kakyou's character file in X15. 

Moving on... This chapter begins the really fun stuff. Screwing with actual manga continuity. From here on out, you must repeat to yourself... "It's fanfic, and therefore AU... it's fanfic and therefore AU!"

For those following along at home, the dialogue and action comes from X manga volumes 7 and 8. I may have changed some of the wording (the translation I used was a bit jerky) and put my own spin on Subaru and Seishirou's actions, but this chapter at least will be relatively close to the manga itself.

And by the way. Writing this chapter SUCKED. o.o;; It's so hard to write from a script. ;o; So please forgive me for how long I went between updates, (especially since I promised it would be quick! n.n) this was really hard to write, especially since I was on a road trip for a lot of the holidays ;

Beta thanks go to Colin, Mitsu, and tdei

-- Wild --

At first, I went to the park every day, at least briefly. I would never miss the opportunity to pass it by, to study it, his hunting grounds. Every time I went there, I wondered if that would finally be the day that he would come for me, to finish what he had started.

Occasionally, I'd even walk directly to the damned tree, sometimes running my hands over it. The rustle of its leaves almost sounded like the voices of the dead, though I'm sure that was my imagination.

At those times especially, I expected him to appear. I was directly invading his territory. He never did, of course. It was foolish of me to expect him to, I suppose.

Days bled into years, and my visits stopped altogether. It wasn't that I stopped caring, or stopped wondering. Perhaps you could say I lost hope, or interest. It wasn't even that, precisely... it was just apparent that I wouldn't find him there. He didn't want to be found. Not by me.

The day the Nakano kekkai was broken, Seishirou was one of the farthest things from my mind.

Smoke billowed from the buildings in front of me. A few people watched it quietly, clustered in doorways and windows, half-afraid to leave the presumed safety of the buildings. The half-silence was eerie, frightened and confused, only broken by uncertain murmurs and distant sirens.

I ignored it all, however, concentrating on my task. The air around me crackled with lightning and magic, making the hair on the back of my neck rise. I blocked it out, concentrating on the ofuda at my feet.

The wind picked up around it, swirling debris around, pushing the pieces into a pattern. I looked down at it, my eyes widening in shock and my breath catching in my throat.

An inverted star. "Sakurazukamori..." I whispered, hardly believing it.

I started running before I had completed the thought, pushing my way through the pedestrians that had finally decided that the street was safe and had come out to stare at the smoke and murmur to each other fearfully. Someone screamed.

He was so close. I could feel it, and I knew I wasn't wrong. He was here. Finally. As I ran, I saw my reflection. The stars on my hands were glowing.

Building after building blurred by me as I ran towards the source of the earthquake. Finally, I saw him. He stood below me, in the center of the chaos.

I hesitated for a breath, just looking at him, though it was too far to really see him properly. Without even thinking about it, I jumped down to him.

He paused, cigarettes in hand. And for a moment, I could have sworn an expression akin to shock flitted across his face.

But no. He slid off his sunglasses, and he was smiling at me, warmly. Happily, as I glared at him. There was a healing cut on his face, and thick waves of smoke billowed around him as the city burned.

"Subaru-kun." His voice was exactly the way I had remembered it.

I watched him for several moments. My heart was beating so fast. It must have been from the running.

Finally, he broke eye contact, leaning down to slip a cigarette out of the pack, holding it between his lips as he searched for his lighter. I hardly realized I was walking towards him until my own lighter was in my hands.

I held it out to him, striking it, watching the flame dance as he leaned down to catch the end of the cigarette in it.

Pulling away, he let the smoke out of his lungs in one smooth sigh. "Thank you."

He caught me before I could step away, his hand warm as he clutched my hand. Too warm, it felt like my skin was burning, and his grip almost hurt.

He pulled my hand up to his mouth, running his lips softly over my bare skin. Over his mark, then hovering at my knuckles. He looked up at me, and my breath caught. He was so close.

"You smoke." I stared at him, my stomach turning uncomfortably. "It's not good for your health." He smiled again, and suddenly, it was if things hadn't changed, as if he were asking me where I wanted to go for a lunch date. I narrowed my eyes. His smiles were false, and dangerous.

He was toying with me. I ripped away from his grasp, stepping back, suddenly angry. I clenched my jaw "I have been looking for you for a while now."

He paused, looking at me with faint curiosity, his smile fading into something vaguely mocking. "Why?"

I held out my hands, calling on the power that only I could access, as one of the Dragons of Heaven. It rippled out of me, forming solid walls, and I looked up at Seishirou.

"To make my Wish... Reality."

He looked up, almost appreciatively. "A Kekkai." He turned back to me. "The Seven Seals... No, the Sumeragi clan taught it as the Dragons of Heaven. One of the Dragons of Heaven who supposedly will save the earth from destruction."

I hated that he knew so much. He had always sounded like a fucking lesson on the history of onmyoujitsu. Anger burned deep inside of me. I took a breath to steady myself, locked my emotion down as best I could, and answered him. "...I have no interest in the future of the Earth."

His chin jerked up slightly, and again surprise flashed on his face. I wondered what he expected me to say. Did he think that I was some kind of martyr, a paragon of virtue and compassion? Did he expect me to still be 'kind?' I brought my hands up, ofuda at the ready.

I sent the spells flying, white doves speeding at him as I chanted.

Was that a contemptuous smile on his lips as he brought the cigarette up through the air, the glow of the tip hovering unnaturally in the air?

Blood spattered as my spell hit his shield, running down it, partially obscuring my view of him as it slowly dissipated. I squinted, as I readied more ofuda, trying to make out what he was doing.

Suddenly, he leapt up, trying to gain an advantage from above. I followed him, trying to match the shikigami that he sent towards me. Finally, we reached the top of the buildings. Hurriedly I sent a wave of shikigami swirling around him, and his head whipped around, watching, trying to figure out my plan. I suppressed a smile of grim satisfaction. He wouldn't be able to avoid this attack.

I couldn't see his expression as the ground started to tear under along the edges of his shield then exploding in earnest. He threw his arm up to protect his face, whether from the light or the debris, I wasn't sure.

Finally, he looked up at me again, holding onto his smile by the barest of measures. "Your wish... is to kill me? To kill me, the one who killed your dear sister..."

I shuddered slightly, feeling myself go cold as he mentioned her. I stared down at him, words rushing up and sticking in my throat. The anger had fallen away, and I didn't know what to say, or how to feel or why I was really here.

He smiled again, one of those carefree, heartbreaking smiles. "Subaru-kun, you are really cute."

Clenching my fists, I glared at him. Did he think this was some sort of joke?

"I would like to play with you a little longer." He raised his hand to his face, catching at the blood that now flowed freely from his cut. "...But I have some business to do right after this."

His words added to the sick rage that I felt. And suddenly, I knew. I -was- going to kill him. I jumped down, eager to begin the fight again.

Too late, I realized I had made a mistake. He held his hand out, channeling an immense amount of power through it. I hadn't prepared for that, and it caught me off guard. He pressed it against my shields, and suddenly I was on the defensive, struggling madly to just keep him away.

The sound of our spells was practically drowned out by the howling wind that sprung up around us, catching bits of the ruined building and whipping them through the air. One caught me high on the cheek.

His attack was increasing, and though I poured everything I had into my shield, he kept advancing. Finally, he stabbed through the shield, ripping his hand through it decisively.

I choked on the pain, as a corresponding gash opened up over my chest.

I stumbled back, falling to my knees. I watched blood spill from me, disbelieving, then snapped my eyes up. He was inside my shield. Gasping for breath, I glared up at him as he stood directly in front of me, staring at me. His eyes were wide... angry?

I couldn't stop fighting. I reached into my coat, pulling out the last of my ofuda, opening my mouth to shout out the spell, to fling it into his face.

I was unable to complete the attack. His hand caught my wrist, pulling me up, towards him. Slips of paper dropped from suddenly nerveless fingers. He stepped closer and my throat tightened in shock, or was that fear? Or something else?

His fingers slid along my cheek, warm and slick with blood. It made me shudder, and he smiled again, darkly, cruelly. "Then... I will see you again."

He let go of me, and his fingertips seemed to crack... to float. They dissolved into sakura petals and before I knew it, he was gone. Again.

I stood up, watching the sakura swirl in the wind. He was always such a show-off. It was an illusion, of course. Not even he could escape a kekkai. He was still here, hiding, biding his time.

Briefly, I considered finding him. I controlled this space, and I could press the issue. I could make him face me again. But I was hurt and tired, and really, what was the point?

He didn't want to see me anyway.

I stared at the petals as they fell around me, holding out my hand. As they touched my skin they dissolved. I clenched my fists, shaking. "...Seishirou-san..." The voice seemed to belong to another.

I wasn't alone. A couple of high school students stood in front of me, watching me. A girl with long hair and a severe mouth, and a boy who tried very hard to look serious. I had a feeling that it was out of character for him, judging by the half-grin he wore. An interesting combination.

Their presence in the kekkai, of course, told me immediately that they were fellow Dragons of Heaven, almost certainly here to recruit me. It was a pity I wasn't interested in their cause. Now if I could only get away before my senses of duty and guilt kicked in.

I pushed past them as if they didn't even exist.

The guy stuttered slightly. "W... Wait a sec!" He chased me. "Where'ya going with such wounds?"

I turned to glare at him briefly, and continued walking away. Maybe if I was quick they'd just let me go. I was in no mood to discuss the end of the world. I had to go take care of my injuries.

A wail from the guy behind me. "This guy has a pretty face but ain't too friendly..." His accent was beginning to grate on my nerves.

The girl spoke. "You created a Kekkai." Her voice was beautiful and cool, all business, unlike her partner.

I stopped, wincing. She was direct. I started feeling the first twinge of guilt. Hell, I was going to get tied into this whole destiny thing whether I wanted it or not, wasn't I?

"I am Arashi Kishuu." She paused, and her partner took a moment to interject.

"And I'm her future sweet lover, Sorata Arisugawa!"

A brief silence descended, and you could feel the irritation rolling off her in the cold pause. Finally, she sighed. "I am one of the Dragons of Heaven gathered by Princess Hinoto the Dreamgazer. Could you tell me your name?"

I turned to her. "...Subaru Sumeragi."


	7. Five and a Half Minute Hallway

Yet another chapter that follows the manga almost exactly. Dialogue taken from X volume 9. My own spin, again, put on Subaru's thought processes. 

Hope you enjoy, from here on out comes the -really- fun stuff XD It will get rapidly darker from this point. (Darker? I know, wtf, but trust me :D) Also, we'll be entering the shaky ground of pretty intense lemons in a chapter or two, just to forewarn you.

As usual, lyrics by Poe, and beta-thanks to Colin and Xin.

----

We had all been waiting in a room on the CLAMP campus, for word of Kamui's condition. The room was full of unfamiliar faces. Most of them were probably Dragons of Heaven.

None of us talked. They just waited, tense and silent with worry.

I stood by the window, staring out of it sightlessly. In my faint reflection, I could just barely pick out the white reflection of the bandage on my cheek. One guess what was on my mind.

The door clicked open, and Sorata came back in. His smile was replaced by sorrow and guilt.

Arashi stood, concern written on her face. "...Kamui?"

Sorata shook his head. "He didn't respond to me calling."

The tension broke, replaced with the sound of the youngest girl sobbing.

".. A girl who was really important to him... was killed before his eyes by a guy who was equally important." I started, and Sorata paused. I wondered if he had seen that. I could feel my breath catch. "It's possible that he will never regain consciousness... I dunno."

A flame springing to life in my hand, steady and sure, belying the fact that I was trembling. My hand raising it to the tip of Seishirou's cigarette. Him pulling off his sunglasses to show his eyes, chillingly vacant as he smiled up at me. ...Blood dripping off his hands, to stain those sakura petals at his feet that weren't already washed in the blood seeping from Hokuto's body.

Her broken body on the sakura. ... and the last time she hugged me. Somehow, I remember that she was crying. But I couldn't really remember it, could I?

"If he doesn't regain consciousness, what will happen to him?" Her voice broke into my reverie. It was high, on the edge of hysteria. She looked about to burst into tears again, and Sorata hesitated before replying.

"... He'll stay like that. He won't see anything. Nor hear. All clammed up inside his heart..."

Unable to keep from living the same scene over and over again in the depths of his soul, constantly running from it, trying to hide within the past? but never being able to escape. And truly, was the past any less painful, in it's own way?

You can't escape from the pain. It's always there, tainting even your happiest memories.

"Forever..."

He needed me. I was the only one who had any clue what had happened to him. Before I quite realized what I was doing, my hand was on the knob, wrenching the door open.

"What're you doing?"

I took a breath, staring at the boy. He lay there, lost in the hospital bed and the oversized kimono they had dressed him in. He stared at nothing, his eyes glazed, dilated.

Blood seeped through the yards of bandages that covered his body. There were bruises all over him, faint but distinct under his pale skin. He looked like a broken doll.

It was hard to believe that he was supposed to save the world.

I took his hand in mine. It felt thin, fragile, and was so cold... "Going within Kamui."

Arashi gasped behind me. ".. Diving into his heart? To enter a muddy consciousness... It's too dangerous!"

I glanced back at the others, then down at the head Kamui cradled briefly. Finally focused on his glassy eyes.

"Is it a secret spell of the Sumeragi Clan...?"

I wasn't listening to them anymore. I lifted my hand, started the spell. Dimly I heard someone yell, but I was already concentrating, chanting softly.

My hand touched Kamui's forehead.

Hokuto was crying.

The spell wrapped around us, and I was falling, my forehead rushing towards his, touching. And I was within, sinking into peaceful darkness. Suddenly, it was there, the guardian of Kamui's mind roared up at me, warning me off. I couldn't attack - it would injure Kamui. I threw my hand up to protect myself from the sharp shards that flew at me from it, wincing as they sliced my skin.

Suddenly, with a burst of bubbles, my path cleared and I could see him below me.

He was there, with the girl, and another boy. Taller, with a cruel smile on his lips. So, this was his friend...

They were speaking. I strained my ears to hear the conversation. It would be important later.

"...You seem to have made a decision."

"Fuu... ma...?" He was crying.

"You chose your future as a Dragon of Heaven... one of the Seven Seals. ...Kamui. If you chose your future as a Dragon of Heaven, it is my Destiny to be a Dragon of Earth."

The scene changed. A cross dominated it, and the girl hung from it, wires twisting tightly around her, lashing her to it. Kamui was screaming her name over and over, running towards her, until he was caught, dragged back, by another boy. Himself.

On the cross, another figure with Kamui's face plunged a sword into Kotori, smiling, his eyes wide and crazed. And Kamui screamed, wordless now, collapsed, curled into himself. He was holding the head again.

"Kamui!" I tried calling to him, but the ground rippled around him, turning liquid. He was sobbing, shaking as he slid into it, disappearing.

Shit. I followed deeper, slowly. Much more and his heart would shatter. Finally, I saw him again.

A child this time, with two other children who had to be Fuuma and Kotori. They laughed as they ran across the dreamscape chasing a flock of birds, their voices oddly muffled.

Kamui paused, looked back at Fuuma as Kotori ran ahead. His face started to split, and blood dripped from it. Kamui reached up.

"Don't look! Kamui!" I yelled too late, though I doubt he was listening. I tried to run to him, but I couldn't get closer. Fuuma ripped the sword through his younger self's body, and without pausing through Kotori's. The girl crumpled, her eyes vacant as Fuuma pulled the blade out of her chest.

He smiled down at Kamui. "I..."

"no..." Kamui's voice was soft, a whisper of denial as he clapped his hands to his ears.

"will..." he continued on, ignoring the boy.

Louder this time, as if it would help. "No..." Tears started forming in the corners of his eyes.

"kill you." His smile was cold as he turned away, body dissolving into feathers, blowing away. The bodies of the other children followed suit.

Kamui screamed his denial even as he sobbed, falling to his knees.

I ran to his side before I even had quite realized that his guard had lowered. He still held his hands over his ears, crying softly, whispering the names of his friends.

"Kamui..." I had to get his attention. Dropping to my knees, I called again. "Kamui!"

No response. I grabbed his hands pulling them away, practically shouting his name. And this time, he looked up at me, violet eyes wide as tears slid down his face.

He stared at me for several seconds, then finally swallowed. "who...?" he asked in a small, scared voice.

"Subaru Sumeragi."

He seemed to sink into himself. "...don't know."

Wind whipped around him, and I felt myself being pushed back slightly. Feathers swirled, forming into the bodies of Kotori and Fuuma.

"Don't kill Kotori and Fuuma... Please... don't kill the two of them..."

"Kamui!" I was losing him.

He was getting hysterical again, crying harder now. "Please..."

"Listen! Kamui!" I grabbed him by the shoulders again. Physical contact seemed to jar him out of it last time.

It worked. He looked up at me, focusing on me as the forms of his friends swirled away again. "If you don't leave this dream, nothing will begin and nothing will end. Things will only get worse."

I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. I had to give him something else to focus on, something to show him that he wasn't alone. My past.

"... Like me."

He stared at me, utterly confused, but the fear was leaving his eyes. I had to make him understand what was happening.

"You can hear my voice, right?" He nodded, and I relaxed my grip, taking his hands instead. "Right now you are at the bottom of your heart."

".. The bottom of my heart?"

"Something heart-breaking happened... You chose not to stay in the real world to consider and choose your next path. You... ran away from reality."

It was time to show him my memories. I concentrated, letting them take shape.

"Who...?" Kamui stared at the form of Hokuto as it took shape.

"My sister."

The sakura, with it's petals floating delicately on an invisible wind. And finally, Seishirou-san.

As I watched them, I asked Kamui, "I wonder... do you know anything about onmyouji?

"Mother taught me." Good. It was easier this way.

"As the head of the Sumeragi clan, I govern Japan's onmyouji."

Kamui pointed to Hokuto. "Is that person also... an onmyouji?"

"No..." I didn't mention that if she had been, she would have stood a chance. He'd see the rest of it soon enough.

"I know him..." Kamui's eyes widened slightly as he took in the two figures.

I glanced at the boy, surprised. "You've met Seishirou-san?"

"Seishirou-san...?" Kamui looked back at me, curious.

So, he had met him, but not heard his name? Interesting... had Seishirou tried to kill him already? That stuck under my skin, irritated me. Why would he do that? Wasn't it against the rules of the whole game?

I closed my eyes, trying to explain the story as simply as possible. "Seishirou Sakurazuka, who uses onmyoujitsu to kill -- Sakurazukamori. I loved him. I didn't realize it at first... He treated me gently for one year... he lost his right eye protecting me... I finally realized when I cried for his loss..."

I looked at them again. Focused on Seishirou, realized how young he looked in my memories. "I realized that he was the only one I didn't want to be hated by. That he alone was special. But... that was only my delusion."

Kamui's full attention was on me now, and I sighed as I ripped my vision away, continued the story. "He said, 'There is no difference between people and things.'"

"You mean, he was saying that everything was alive, the way humans are?"

His question surprised me, and I stared at him for a second. Suddenly, him being the Kamui didn't feel quite so strange. I shook the feeling off, focusing. "It's not that. No matter what he destroys -- living beings or nonliving things -- he does not feel anything."

I closed my eyes tightly as Seishirou's hand ripped through Hokuto's chest.

Kamui let out a choked cry and tried to run to them. I caught his hand, and he looked back at me, horror in his eyes. "Because this is my memory... running won't let you be there in time."

"Your sister..." He was crying again.

"When my sister was killed... I couldn't do anything. I was hiding in my own heart. I had ran away from reality." I tried not to look, but I could still see her body, dissolving into sakura petals. "Like what you are doing now." I held a hand up, caught one of the falling petals.

I looked up, finally, past Kamui. Seishirou smiled back at me.

I turned back to the boy, lifting my hand to his face. "It might be good for you to stay here, if that gives you the greatest happiness. But if you don't come back out, nothing will begin, and nothing will end. You won't be able to do anything when it's really important. You will only be a spectator... like how I was. Kamui."

Faint images of Kotori's death swirled around us again, but this time, they weren't the same. They were softer, present but not overwhelming. And my memories also floated through the air. "I also had a precious person killed by another precious person. But... my wound and yours aren't the same. I lost my sister... I came back to reality with the pain that it caused. And now..."

"I... I, to make the future that I wish for into reality... live. That... will most likely depress everyone that loves me... But I cannot stop wishing."

It hurt to admit that. To have my wish realized... it would practically kill Grandmother, I was sure. I watched Kamui carefully.

"Because he was... special?" Kamui smiled at me, softly.

I started. Was that really what he thought my wish was? I smiled. I suppose I hadn't given him anything else to believe. "...That's right. Therefore, you, too, should choose. To continue living inside your memories blaming yourself. Or to awaken for the sake of your wish."

He pulled away from me as I was speaking, image wavering, almost as if he was covered in clear flame. His body lengthened, grew, until finally he looked back at me, no longer a child.

Behind him, his friend picked up the sword from where it stood in the ground "I want to bring Fuuma back. Because... I couldn't protect Kotori... I want to protect Fuuma more than ever."

He turned to face the figure that stood behind him. "This isn't Fuuma."

"...If he returns to the personality of "Fuuma" he might remember... that he killed this girl."

He winced slightly, but stood firm. "But still... I... don't want to lose Fuuma."

"If he returns to that personality will you tell him that he killed the girl named Kotori? Even if there will be people who will say that you're selfish?"

"...Yeah."

"Even if there will be people who will blame you?"

"...Yeah." He closed his eyes, nodded his head.

"Even if no one will understand your wish?"

"...Yeah." Tears slid down his face, and his form was wavering again.

I reached for him, gathering him to me. "Then for the sake of that wish. Come back."

And suddenly, we were drifting upwards through a curtain of bubbles. I held Kamui's arm firmly, and he blinked, opening his eyes slowly. We stopped. And in the distance, I could see two figures. One was immediately recognizable, the other somehow familiar, though I was sure I had never seen him before.

Kamui saw them too. "... Fuuma."

I pulled him away, turning my back on them, ignoring Kamui's soundless cry, the way he reached out for his friend. Ruthlessly, I pulled us out of the spell.

I opened my eyes, looking down at Kamui practically holding my breath as his eyelids inched open.

".. Subaru..." He croaked my name out in broken syllables. It actually worked. I smiled slightly as I felt the exhaustion roll in on me, dragging me into unconsciousness.


	8. Not a Virgin

FINALLY done with this chapter. x.x; Sorry it took so long, everyone :3 Props for their hard work beta-ing it go to Ryo-chan and Colin. Much love for j00 :O 

Also, this version has been edited to fall in line with content restrictions. There is still some sexual content. If you want the full version of the chapter, go to http/

----

I glanced at the rumpled fax; double-checking the time on it, then shoved it back into my pocket irritably.

My client was supposed to be here at three. It was already well past that. I sighed, checking my watch.

It had been a week since I met Kamui and the others, and I had gone back to working as usual. Today was supposed to be a simple consultation with a powerful businessman who preferred to keep spiritualists out of his company unless strictly necessary.

I folded my arms, leaned on the bars in front of me. Of course, he had to arrange to meet me at the zoo. In the bird enclosure, of all places.

If he wasn't here in another fifteen minutes, I decided, I would leave. This was getting ridiculous.

I stared out into the simulated forest, catching glimpses of the net that served as its walls, not really seeing any of it. It hadn't changed in the last half hour.

Sighing, I closed my eyes, listening to the occasional chirps of the exotic birds around me, trying to identify them by their calls. I was only able to name a few, but then I wasn't nearly as good with birds as I used to be with dogs.

A low voice behind me startled me out of my reverie. "I'm sorry, I'm late. I was working and it took longer than I expected."

"Seishirou-san." My eyes flew open as I whispered the name, and I gathered power as quickly as possible, letting a trickle of it flow out of my palm. I turned around to the strange emptiness of the kekkai. And him.

He smiled at me, hands shoved nonchalantly into the pockets of his jacket. "Did you wait long?"

My eyes narrowed, and I studied him warily. I didn't sense any power around him. If I attacked now, it would be hard for him to deflect the spell, and it was tempting. But he didn't appear to be looking for a fight, and if I could avoid one...

My voice kept carefully flat, I asked. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged, "I thought it was time we had a proper date."

I blinked at him in shock. "Date?" I barely managed the question without stuttering over it. Momentarily, I was thrown. And then I could have kicked myself for not expecting this.

He really hadn't changed at all. Always looking to confuse me, push me off balance. He was playing with me again...and it enraged me. Did he really think I was that stupid still?

And then, as suddenly as it took hold of me, the anger died, and I was amused. He really had no idea, did he? Seishirou still thought he was dealing with a naive sixteen-year-old. He hadn't even bothered to come up with a new line. Raising an eyebrow, I smiled just a little. "Alright."

After all, if I was going to beat him, I'd have to start playing his game.

I couldn't be sure, but his eyes looked just the faintest bit surprised before he held out a hand to me. I let myself take some satisfaction in that. "Splendid. There's this wonderful French restaurant I know, we can start there."

Start? I took his hand, gritting my teeth in a sunny smile. Suddenly, I had a bad feeling about this. I remembered the affinity test. And the karaoke incident. And the fact that his 'dates' tended to take several hours and usually involved bystanders.

I wondered if I had the sheer patience this was going to take.

I had to admit; the restaurant he chose was beautiful. On the ground floor of one of the more exclusive hotels in Tokyo, it was a small, glittering room with several private seating areas, and a line out the door. One that we were ushered past, into a private veranda. It was beautiful. We were seated in a small, enclosed area, with windows that looked out into lush gardens.

The restaurant was also expensive. I stared at the wine list that the waiter had handed us, noting that there were no prices on it. This was obviously one of those kinds of places where the patrons didn't care how much they spent.

"Do you have a preference, Subaru-kun?"

I shook my head. "Not really." I handed the list to him.

He smiled, and looked up at the waiter, who smiled at us thinly. "Two bottles of my usual then."

The waiter bowed rapidly. "Aaa, oui, monsieur, very good!" I hid a smirk. Seishirou must have ordered something expensive, because the waiter's Japanese accent was making his French almost incomprehensible. "Can I bring you anything else?"

Seishirou shook his head. "Not at the moment."

The waiter bowed again, "Tres bon. If you will excuse me, I will bring your champagne immediately."

Silence reigned for a moment, and I studied him over the table devoid of anything as basic as silverware. He was watching me, head turned slightly, smiling, eyes somehow dark. I suppressed a shiver.

The look pulled at me, made the blood in my veins run just a bit faster. I sucked in a breath; held it, let it out slowly. My skin felt hot, too tight, and I suppressed a shiver. I knew that look.

Seishirou's gaze was warm, even more intense than I had remembered by its mismatch. I wanted to look away, but I held the gaze, somehow sure it was a battle of some sort, that looking away would prove me to be weak, or shy, or pathetic. And then I smiled, ever so faintly.

The waiter was back quickly, presenting the wine to Seishirou who barely afforded it a glance before he nodded. Still, it broke the eye contact, and the delicate flute set before me gave me something else to focus on.

I nodded my thanks to the waiter, taking the glass, and meeting Seishirou's eyes again. He raised his glass slightly.

"What shall we toast to, Subaru-kun?"

I held up my glass, looked through it towards him, watching the bubbles stream up in it. It looked like a sunlit version of Kamui's inner world.

"The end of the world?"

He laughed, and reached over to lightly tap his glass to mine. "The end of the world it is." He raised it to his lips, and I quickly followed suit.

I'm sure the champagne was delicious, but I barely tasted it. He was looking at me again, over the rim of his glass, and I could feel myself flush. I let my eyes drop as I put my glass down, taking a deep breath, exhaling, locking away all the confusion that threatened to overwhelm me.

"Do you approve?"

I shrugged. "You have excellent taste."

Smiling, he set his glass down, still looking at me intently. "I suppose that's true."

His tone, his eyes...they were such lies. And I realized with surprise that it didn't bother me.

"So. Other than the fact that you have excellent taste..." I ran my finger along the stem of my glass idly. "Tell me about yourself."

"I wouldn't know what to say. I lead a very boring life" For a moment, his smile was hauntingly familiar, and he looked exactly like the man I had fallen in love with so long ago.

"It's been nine years." I shrugged. "Surely something interesting must have happened since I saw you last."

He chuckled. "Not really. I tend to lead a solitary life."

His voice was just the slightest bit off, and my eyebrows drew together in a slight frown. Was that bitterness coloring it? "That sounds lonely. Is that why you decided to look me up, Seishirou-san? For company?"

He didn't answer, just smiled and sipped his champagne, letting the silence stretch between us for a moment, before he broke it. "And what about you, Subaru-kun? Have you also lacked for...company?"

He traced his finger along the side of his glass slowly, leaving a trail in the condensation.

I shrugged. "Not really."

Seishirou tilted his head slightly, and now his smile seemed slightly forced. "Oh really?"

I nodded, sipping at my champagne. He wanted me to go on, to tell him about my affairs. Nosy bastard. "Yes." My answer was clipped, cool. I hoped he didn't press for details. To tell the truth, I had had more lovers in the past nine years than I could really remember. Faces, names, places...they began to blur together. The only one I could recall with any clarity was Kazuhiko.

My glass was empty, and he reached for it, refilling it slowly. Setting it back down, he looked up at me, eyes dark. "What do you want, Subaru-kun?"

I stared at him for a second, confused, and he chuckled. "For dinner."

I glanced up, noticing the waiter who hovered uncertainly at the edge of our table. "Ah..." I sighed. "I'm not sure." I stood up, smiled. "Why don't you order for me? I'll be right back."

"Very well." He smiled, but his eyes were predatory. I could feel them, hot on my back, as I made my way to the bathroom.

The room was just as lush as the rest of the hotel that I had seen; immaculately clean and delicately furbished. I turned on the tap, held my hands under the cold water. Looked up at my reflection.

My lips were turned up in a faint smile, and my eyes glittered, shockingly green. Suddenly, I was reminded of Hokuto, up to something devious.

I turned off the water, shaking my hands slightly, brushed them through my hair. Cool droplets of it ran down my face, soothing the flush that still marked my cheeks.

He was standing outside the door when I opened it, nonchalantly leaning on the wall of the hallway. I paused for a moment, considering him, as he pushed off the wall, reached out to grab my wrist and pull me into him.

The kiss caught me off-guard, and I just stood there for a breath, eyes wide, body tense as his warm mouth slid over mine. His hand slipped back to cradle my head, his fingers twining in my hair, pulling it to the slide slightly. I sighed as I relaxed, a breathless pant that just let him in deeper.

Funny, he didn't kiss like I thought he would. It was slower, softer. As if he was still trying to play the caring seducer. As if he thought I still needed it.

At sixteen, I would have been utterly overwhelmed. I think he expected that still. He probably thought I had been lying when told him that I hadn't lacked for lovers. Maybe he even really did expect me to be a virgin. As if I had been saving myself for him. What a ridiculous thought.

But I had played this game before...possibly more than Seishirou himself had. I let my arms wrap around his neck, participating wholeheartedly in a hot, sweet kiss that denied our need for air.

But the gentleness bored me. I roughed it up a little, kissing him harder and nipping at his lips. I rubbed up against him, sliding my leg between his, noting the hardness there. He pulled away to look at me.

His eyes were clouded, and he was breathing a bit rapidly. I grinned wickedly.

"What do -you- want, Seishirou-san?" It was a low whisper in his ear, a graze of teeth that made his breath hitch. I could feel his heartbeat between us. Or was that mine?

His hands slid to my shoulders, forcing me back. I looked up to his familiar smirk, though it looked a little thin. His hand dropped to his pocket, fishing for something.

"Dessert." He brought up his hand. Between his fingers was a slim, plain card with the hotel logo embossed on it.

It made me laugh, and I bowed my head with the chuckle. He planned this from the beginning. Seishirou should have been a boy scout.

"Lead the way."

We didn't talk or touch once in on the way to his room...not even in the elevator, though he watched me with half-closed, hungry eyes.

When we finally got to his room, he fumbled the lock, and I had to choke back a laugh. Seishirou always seemed so damned perfect. Untouchable. Finally, he opened the door and pulled me inside.

Not gentle, not coaxing; he had finally given up on the charade. Unceremoniously, he pushed me up against the door, shutting it with my body and sliding the lock home as he pressed up against me, kissing me hard.

I kicked off my shoes, and then went to work on his clothes as he kissed me. Soon I was sliding my hands over his bare chest, cataloguing the feel of his skin, the hollows of his ribs, the sensitive spots that made him jump.

He jumped as my short nails slid down over his stomach, down towards his belt, and pulled away with a hiss, grabbing my wrists. He turned, shoving me over towards the bed, pushing me backwards onto it.

Was he trying to scare me into passivity? I smiled, catching the hem of my shirt, pulling it up over my head, tossing it to the side. He watched me, unmoving as I undid my belt.

I paused, fingers hovering just above my waistband, considering. He looked down at me, face carefully composed into a vaguely interested mask. If his eyes didn't give the lie, I would have thought this interested him about as much as the morning newspaper.

I reached out for his belt, quickly pulling him closer, until he was just inches from me. Pressed my lips to his stomach and felt the muscle there twitch as my breath and lips caressed his skin.

After a long moment of my tongue tracing the tensely clenched contours of his stomach, delving into his navel, he reached down, grabbing my wrists, jerking them above my head and pushing me down to the bed, pinning me. It was a gesture I remembered.

He was looking for control. I arched into his body, moaning into his mouth as I wrapped my legs around his body. Tried to drive him over the edge just a little more.

A single hand dropped down to my waist, ripping at my pants, tugging the zipper down.

He was mine now. The realization made me smile into his shoulder even as he took me, hard and unprepared. The pain hardly mattered. I'd done worse..

Afterwards, I let my eyes drift shut, listening to his soft breathing - barely audible even in the quiet room. He lay there for some time, unmoving.

Finally, he sat up, and leaned over. I could hear him rummaging around in the nightstand drawer, and then there was the familiar strike of a lighter, the soft sizzle as he drew his breath in and the paper burned.

I breathed in deeply as he shifted again, savoring the smoke that curled around us in a silent embrace.

He leaned over me, and I could feel the end of the cigarette as it traced my lips. I parted them as I cracked my eyes open slightly and took a slow drag. He was staring at me, eyes shadowed.

I held my breath for a second, then let the smoke slide out of my mouth slowly. He raised the cigarette back to his lips.

I sighed, stretched slightly. His eyes ran down my naked body. I think he expected me to be shyer, to hide under the sheet. Instead I propped myself up, stole his cigarette again for a quick pull, then pressed a quick kiss to his lips and handed it back to him.

I slid out of the bed, stretching as I walked across the room to the bathroom. He was silent behind me, but I could tell he was watching...and that he was confused.

The shower water was cold, crisp needles on my sticky, hot skin. It felt wonderful. I closed my eyes, dunked my head under and let the water close my eyes as it ran down my face.

I sighed and leaned against the wall, raising a hand to brush my hair back. I was shaking, I noticed with surprise.

I bit back a laugh. I never would have thought I would actually see the day where I would actually end up in Seishirou's bed. I turned off the tap, stepped out of the shower.

Grabbing a towel from the rack, I actually looked at the room. Noticed the general disarray - the mess that couldn't be caused in just a day or two of use. Seishirou had been living here for at least a month. No wonder I could never find him, if he had been primarily living in hotels.

I pulled on my clothes, not even bothering to shake out the wrinkles, and walked back out to the room. Seishirou was still on the bed, smoking, a slight crease between his eyes.

"Going somewhere?" The barest frown creased his forehead as I looked back from the door.

"Home." I let myself smile, a mocking, slow grin that I had learned from Kazuhiko. "Thanks. It was fun."

I couldn't suppress the satisfied smirk as the door clicked shut on his wide, surprised eyes.


	9. Hey Pretty

Aaah, the dreaded Subaru/Kamui chapter. Just so you know... I personally don't -like- Subaru/Kamui... though I love both characters, the two of them together is just a disaster waiting to happen. Yes I am biased. 

Also, yes, Subaru is seme, Colin pointed out that I didn't really make that clear. I don't really think it matters though. snerk

And that brings me to warnings: Lime content, implied sex, and if you can't get the parallels running through this chapter, then I rented that mack truck in vain.

But argh, I hope you enjoy

Props to Colin for beta-ing, and to Catie for inspiration, slave-driving, running commentary, and real-time beta/correction. Sorry for so much infliction, love XD;;

-- Hey Pretty --

I watched my shillouette in the dark glass of the window, backlit by the faint glow from the bathroom light.

I was still, almost frighteningly so, considering I had been there for hours, only moving to flick the ash off my cigarette or to light another. Thinking, or rather something deeper. Meditating. Letting the last few days process, I suppose.

Sighing, I crushed my cigarette in the overflowing ashtray. I had moved out of my apartment that day, to a spare room on the CLAMP campus. It was comfortable, roomy in a way that was near-to-impossible to find in Tokyo.

Still, I was ill at ease. Unlike my apartment, here I was surrounded by people who knew me, who in a way depended on me. And they had no respect for my privacy, for the fact that I actually prefered to spend time alone.

My mind turned to Kamui, still recouperating from his injuries. After two weeks, they had finally decided to move him from the hospital ward to his own room, with Sorata to look after him. Tonight was the last night he'd stay there.

I glanced at my watch.

It was late. I wondered if he was still awake. It was something that had become a regular habit, checking on Kamui. Though he hadn't shown any signs of relapsing into his coma, it was still a distinct danger.

The hospital ward was dark, still. It was huge, with rows of neatly-made beds. Kamui seemed to be the only patient, currently.

I paused in the door, letting the faint light from the hallway wash over the young man. He was curled up on his side, head hidden in his arms. I frowned. He looked asleep, but I wanted to be sure.

I stepped forward, trying not to make any noise. If he was simply sleeping, I didn't want to disturb him.

"...Sumeragi-san?"

The voice was thin, soft, and almost heart-wrenchingly frightened. I paused.

"Yes."

A single eye peeked out from the protective enclosure of his arms. It shone with tears, even with the dim light. I sighed, and walked over to the side of his bed, sat down. He gasped slightly, pushing up to look at me better.

I thought then that I should have said something, but I didn't know what. Nothing makes it better. So I laid a hand on his head, brushing his hair back reassuringly. He relaxed slightly and sighed, a shuddering, tortured breath. I could see the streaks of moisture smeared over his face, and his eyes were dark, almost bruised looking.

I let my hand slide down to rest on his shoulder, and he let his head fall down, bringing his bandaged hands back to his face. I could feel the slight tremors that racked his body as he sobbed quietly.

I'm not sure when he ended up in my arms, his tears soaking into my shirt, cheek pressed almost uncomfortably on my collarbone. But I remember the way his body shook, as if it would break apart.

Perhaps I started it, with the comforting press of lips on his forehead. It was only meant to soothe him, to reassure him that he wasn't completely alone.

He stilled, breathing deeply, and for a moment I was afraid that I had frightened him. But he didn't move away, instead his hand tightened on my arm.

"Sumeragi-san?"

"Mn?"

"... Nothing." He sighed, and I shifted slightly, trying to catch his eye. He stared off into the distance, dark and withdrawn. I knew that look too well.

Suddenly, his eyes found mine again, and there was something else in there, something desperate and wanting and painful, and before I could speak, he pressed against me, his mouth finding mine in the shadows.

His lips trembled against mine, the most vulnerable and soft kiss I had ever received. And I froze, inhaling sharply, my muscles stiff. He pulled away quickly, and I kicked myself. He must have thought that I was rejecting him, like everyone else.

"Kamui?" My voice was soft, calm. I paused for a second, but he didn't repsond, but he withdrew more, if that was possible. So, instead of trying to talk him out of it, I leaned down, pressing my lips to his.

He inhaled sharply, but didn't pull away. After a moment, his eyes fluttered shut, and I let my own close, concentrating on the kiss.

We kissed for what seemed an eternity. Slow, soft... completely different from the almost bruising intensity of Seishirou's kisses, or the empty motion that was kissing Kazuhiko. I let myself sink into it curiously.

A prayer. Ritual purification, the washing clean of a soul riddled with disease. That was my first impression, and probably Kamui's too. It was just so... innocent, I suppose, that first kiss.

It was supposed to be an assurance, proof for Kamui that he wasn't unwanted. But some souls can't be washed clean. And even the best intentions are seldom completely innocent. I should have stopped it then, could have made it so much simpler.

Instead, I kept him drawn to me, an arm firmly wrapped around his back as I kissed him, and my free hand trailed up his arm, to his neck, brushing his unruly hair back from cheeks slightly sticky from tears.

I smiled when I kissed him, when he jumped ever-so-slightly as my hand dropped again to his hip, sliding under his loose nightshirt to lightly caress his skin, and wondered what Seishirou would have to say about this.

I let his mouth slide from mine, pulled back to watch him. His eyes were wide, dark, and his mouth was slightly open. He caught his lower lip with his teeth, and looked down, his hair brushing my shirt.

Suppressing an utterly inappropriate laugh, I leaned down to nuzzle the hair right above his ear, my hand stroking his hip gently.

"Kamui?" The whisper in his ear made him jump, and he looked up at me quickly.

"Yes?"

"I like kissing you." I leaned in to catch his mouth again, briefly, then sat back. I didn't want to force the issue.

With a soft, desperate cry, he threw himself into me, his arms locking around my neck, knocking me back. I let the motion push me down to lie on the bed, looking up at a somewhat surprised Kamui.

"Subaru?"

"Hn?"

"Do you... like me?"

I paused, not knowing quite how to answer him. Instead I reached up, smiling, tucking a loose strand of hair back.

Finally, I settled on something noncomittal as possible. "Would I be here if I didn't care for you, Kamui?"

He smiled in relief, and I shivered.

I knew that expression, full of hope and wonder and love.

Seishirou, holding me held me as I cried, staying with me until I slept. The next day, I couldn't stop smiling. Hokuto dragged me to the mirror, made me look at myself. "My brother is in love, ladies and gentlemen!" she declared, to my protests that were perhaps just a little quieter than usual.

Seishirou... did you feel as empty as I did now, faced with such emotion?

I wanted to drive that emptiness away, fill it with something, anything. I leaned up, kissing Kamui again, pulling him to me.

He didn't resist. He should have. He could have told me to leave. I would have. He should have sensed the coldness in my hands.

Then again, maybe he did.

The sex was awkward, more tentative than I was used to, but sweet, tender. I watched Kamui greedily, drinking in every emotion revealed in his face, the reverent brushes of his hands. It made me shiver, feel a distant sort of longing.

That boy in love could have been me.

He lay next to me, and held my hand, fingers pressing lightly on the pulse point of my wrist. I frowned as I watched him. He lightly brushed the back of my hand with his lips, and I couldn't help trembling slightly.

He looked at me, inquisitively, and I shook my head. "It's nothing. I should go."

"Subaru..." Kamui's voice was thin with exhaustion. "I-"

"I know." I sighed, forcing a soft smile as I looked at him, untangled my hand from his. "You should sleep, Kamui."

He nodded, leaning over to steal another, shy kiss before collapsing into the pillow. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. I stayed there for a while, watching him slip into sleep

I lit a cigarette, as I walked away from the room, not caring that I was still inside, that I was still in the hospital wing. I shoved my hands into my pockets


	10. Dear Johnny

The second and last sinfully short chapter, I promise! Also, with five more to go, We're officially 2/3 of the way through. Be proud of me, damnit :3 

Subaru is still a bastard. Sorry XD;; But this time, it's with Seishirou

Thanks to Catie, Colin, and Ryo-chan for betaing! Much love for j00 :D

-- Dear Johnny --

I was smoking again, the last cigarette in the pack. God knows how many I had gone through that day. They blurred together with the kisses, the pricey sake.

I sighed, suppressing a yawn, and looked down at Seishirou, lying beside me. He was holding my wrist in one hand, tracing stars on my palm, his fingers tracing every bit of my skin, almost as if mapping it.

It was strange... when I came back to him, he seemed different somehow. The same mocking smile, the same cold eyes. Maybe it was in his touch, the bruising intensity seemed to contain a hidden hesitance that hadn't been there before. Or maybe it was that I hadn't noticed.

I raised my cigarette to lips that were still inflamed, tingling slightly. Took one last drag, then reached over to stub it out in the overfull ashtray that lay on the nightstand.

He kissed my hand, turning it over, tracing his mark with his lips. I frowned, watching him.

He was tracing those invisible connections, the bond that held us together. Funny, lately I had almost forgotten about it.

His eyes were dark, distant as his fingers trailed up, turning my hand over, brushing over the pulse of my wrist. And my breath caught with realization.

Seishirou was a liar.

His words, his actions, his cold, mocking cruelty. It was all so deliberate. Calculated. All planned to push me away. Not because he didn't feel... but because he felt too much.

He was afraid of getting too close. My lips twitched, the beginnings of a cold smile. How utterly, sickeningly tragic.

I let out my breath, then leaned down to him, nuzzling into his neck, my hand catching his in a tight grip.

I had won.


	11. Could've Gone Mad

Notes: a nikugaki is something I made up. Sort of. gaki (as well as meaning brat) is a type of demon in Japanese mythology, and there are many types that feed on anything from incense to souls. Niku means flesh or meat, so the demon devours flesh. Preferably while its victims are still alive. Fun, ne:3 

Also, the fight scene at the end is pulled from manga 11/12, Japanese translations. I've taken some liberties this time, however, both with the action and the dialogue. Some of it was too stilted for me, or didn't serve my purposes. However, as this fight turns out a bit different than the original, I figure it's okay.

Thanks to: Kat, Catie, Xin and Colin for betaing this chapter:3 And you can expect the next out relatively soon... as it's been written for about a year, and needs only revision. ; I'm a freak when it comes to writing sometimes XD;

-- Could've Gone Mad --

I lay in Seishirou's arms, on top of him, listening to his heartbeat, unsure why I was even there.

Honestly I was in something akin to shock. Not necessarily at my own actions, but the fact that they had been received so well. I had called him earlier; leaving a curt message, an address and time, on his voicemail. I doubt he even realized I had gotten his cell phone number.

It was right across from where my job that day had been, a discrete love hotel surrounded by many high-power corporate office buildings.

I walked out of the Yotayo office complex at exactly a minute past the meeting time. And he looked up from his cigarette, across the street, and smiled.

I'm so glad that you decided to come

I smiled back, a slight, satisfied upturn of my lips as I nodded to him, heading for the crosswalk. I could feel the smirk as he watched me.

When I finally reached him, he offered the cigarette to me and I took it, inhaling deeply.

"You're late."

I shrugged, sighing and exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Job ran a bit over."

"Oh?" He accepted the cigarette back, taking a quick drag before flicking it out into the street.

I watched the ash spark under a car as it sped by. "Mn. A particularly troublesome nikugaki."

He nodded and placed a hand on my back, applying light pressure, steering me into the hotel. "I'm sorry to hear that."

We went on with polite, light conversation until the door was locked behind us. The room was nothing special, a rather dingy room with a sagging, overused bed. It didn't matter.

His lips found mine with bruising force, and I couldn't help laughing into his mouth as he pushed me up against the wall, ripping at my clothes almost desperately, pulling my heavy coat from my shoulders, yanking my turtleneck over my head.

I pulled at his tie slower, not because I was any less eager than he, but because I wanted to enjoy him like this. Forceful, wild... he was walking the line of control. I wondered when he had relaxed that much around me.

Or maybe, I thought with a smile as I unbuttoned his shirt, licking into the hollow of his neck, he still didn't understand that I knew he needed me.

He grabbed my wrists, pulling me with him to the bed, sitting on the edge as I straddled him, kissing him deeply. He kept my wrists imprisoned, a gesture of control. I almost didn't notice him tugging off the tie that hung undone around his neck until it was firmly bound around my wrists.

I broke the kiss growling slightly, testing the strength of the knot. He just smirked, leaning in to bite at my bottom lip almost painfully.

Careless. Letting him get the upper hand in the bedroom wouldn't serve my purposes. I hissed under my breath, kissing him savagely, pushing him back with my mouth. He leaned back on an elbow, threading fingers into my hair, letting me take possession of the kiss.

It was an interesting contrast, one that, after a moment of hesitation, I let myself sink into; the firm, steadying grip on my arm - soft, yielding lips under mine. A new game, I guessed... a thin illusion of gentleness.

Different again; it was almost like making love this time. It irritated me a bit, how he was always changing how the game was played. Was he trying to tell me something? Giving me nominal control, but keeping me bound... it was something I would tuck away, turn over in my mind later.

Eventually his hands sought my wrists, pulling the knot gently free. Raising my hands to his lips, he smoothed any slight abrasions with his lips and then pulled me down to lay on top of him.

I turned my head, pressing a kiss to his breastbone. His hand brushed my cheek and I almost unconsciously leaned into the caress, letting myself just enjoy the touch for the moment.

It was a relief not having to pretend with him anymore. He already knew, or guessed, or even assumed the truth of my feelings. He always had, and assumed that it made me weak.

He was wrong, though. I still loved him, yes. But I also hated him, and somehow the two had melded, became the same emotion.

I loved him. And I would destroy him.

I caught his hand, letting my lips trail to his wrist, seeking out the pulse, nipping at it, tracing his vein with my tongue.

Unlike Seishirou, I wouldn't make the mistake of leaving my prey alive, I decided, smiling up at him wickedly.

It was then that I felt it. That slight thrill along my nerves that I had come to associate with Kamui in danger. I let Seishirou's hand drop with a disappointed sigh.

"Duty calls." I slid off the bed, gathering my clothes, pulling them on piece by piece, unhurriedly.

He chuckled, watching me, not bothering to get up. "I didn't think duty mattered so much to you still, Subaru."

I paused, thinking that over as I pulled on my coat. Slipping out my cigarettes, lighting one, I shook my head. "I think you underestimate me, Seishirou."

With a soft laugh, he held out his hand. I smiled, lighting another one and handing it to him.

"I'll see you later."

When I got down to the street, I closed my eyes, concentrating to pinpoint the source of that light tugging on my nerves.

He had been close, just a few blocks away. I stood unnoticed on the ledge of the tilting building watching Fuuma lower Kamui to the ground, dark bruises already forming on the boy's neck, barely visible under the blood that was liberally splattered over both.

I flicked my forgotten cigarette away, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a handful of ofuda, sending several in a quick attack that I knew would be intercepted.

"Let go of Kamui."

I jumped down, over the railing. Looked past the one who intercepted my attack, to get an idea of how badly Kamui was injured. And my breath caught.

"You came to save him, Dragon of Heaven."

I studied him for a moment, feeling a slight shock of recognition. His smile and Seishirou's... they were the same. And it intrigued me.

I nodded once, bowing my head, holding out my hands and building the kekkai around us.

He looked up, smiling faintly. "So, you set up a kekkai. To leave here... the quickest way would be to kill you." He leveled me with an appraising look, then leaned down to nuzzle Kamui's forehead, saying something I couldn't quite catch, before shoving him at his lackey, turning to face me.

His attack was quick, powerful, and I couldn't do much but dodge quickly, keeping an eye on him, trying to gauge where he would aim next.

I could hear Kamui calling, screaming our names in a futile attempt to stop us. I didn't look at him; concentrating instead on the fight, leading Fuuma in a deliberate pattern.

"Do you just plan on running with no counter-attack in mind?" His voice behind me was amused, triumphant, and I smiled to myself, turning to face him, activating the ofuda that I had placed while he thought I was running.

He stopped as the shield rose around him, trapping him. Smiled at me, and was it my imagination, or was there just a bit of appreciation in that smile? "...I see. You were planning this trap."

I watched him, pausing for a moment, trying to figure out how I was going to be able to hold him -and- defeat the other one, who was guarding Kamui.

"If you don't concentrate your kekkai is going to rip, Subaru-kun." The mocking words came seconds before the shield shattered, magic ripping back into me and sending me stumbling back, opening several shallow cuts.

His kick caught me off balance, sprawling to the ground, knocking the air out of my chest. Before I knew what was happening, his hand was fisted painfully in my hair, pulling me up to my knees, and he was smiling down at me.

"What are you thinking?" He ran a finger down my cheek, to my neck, and I suppressed a slight shiver, struck again by that strange pull of memory.

I tilted my head, wincing a bit at the pull in my hair. Paused, considering him. "You look like Seishirou."

He slid his hand around my neck asking, curiously, "Does it bother you?"

I shrugged slightly. "No."

He chuckled, tightening his hand just a bit, and I reached up to grip his wrist more out of reflex than anything else.

"Perhaps it is because you want me to, Subaru-kun."

He turned his head to the side, staring at me for a long moment. I didn't move.

He laughed suddenly, a startlingly light, innocent sound, and then clenched his hand, shutting off the flow of blood and air - surprisingly carefully. My eyes widened a bit, realizing that he didn't mean to kill me.

Kamui's screams faded out. Had I even really heard them? He leaned closer to me, lips almost brushing my cheek, speaking quietly as the world started fading around us.

"We'll see each other again, Subaru."


	12. Lemon Meringue

Beta props to Colin, Kat, and to Trisha. Thanks loves! 

Man, this chapter went through so many rewrites. Probably because I originally wrote it around... a year and a half ago? More? I don't remember. A long-ass time ago XD

Warnings for this chapter include Bastard!Subaru and some Kamui abuse. Poor Kamui, all he wants is some sweet love /

----

We were in a dimly-lit restaurant together, Sorata, Arashi, Yuzuriha, Kamui and I. The power in their apartment had gone out in the thunderstorm that had blown in that day, so for dinner, Sorata treated us all to some hole-in-the wall that he claimed had the best ramen in Tokyo. I privately suspected it was only the best-priced ramen in the city.

The restaurant was dingy, musty, and we were the only ones there. I sat uncomfortably in the too-small cheap plastic booth, carefully away from Kamui who sat next to me, practically falling off the edge.

I was irritable. Being around the others that night was a mistake, and I knew it from the beginning. But I went, against my judgment, because Kamui asked me to, and because I didn't know how to say no.

I stood up, abruptly, and the conversation trailed off as my companions looked at me. I nodded, telling them I'd be right back. Headed to the bathroom, just to get a moment to breathe.

I leaned against the sink in the bathroom, looking up and watching a bug flicker inside the casing of the small overhead light.

The door opened and closed behind me, and I looked down, into the mirror, to see Kamui staring at me. I suppose he followed me because he was concerned, but I hadn't been gone more than a minute or so. My eyes narrowed as I watched him shift nervously. I didn't want him here.

"Subaru-san? Are you alright?" He moved closer, hand on my arm. Even through my shirt, his fingers were warm, uncomfortably so. I shrugged, trying to dislodge him, but it didn't work. He stepped closer, tongue flickering out briefly to moisten his lips.

"I'm fine." I was curt, pulling away from him. I stood, staring at the wall, willing him to go away.

Seconds went by. I could hear his breathing, quiet though it was. Then his footsteps, coming closer. A hand fell on my back. "You're lying to me."

"I'm fine Kamui. Go back to the others." I kept my voice quiet, firm, struggling to contain the sudden anger that rose up in me. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Seconds slipped by, but he didn't move.

Finally, I turned around, quickly enough that Kamui jumped, eyes wide, vulnerable. I caught his still upraised hand in a tight grip. His breath caught in his throat, a soft surprised sound.

I caught him around the back of the neck, pulled him close to me, until we were practically nose-to-nose. "What do you want?"

"I..." he trailed off, licking his lips again. He was blushing, faintly. My stomach twisted, and I clenched my jaw, realizing what was happening, finally. He still believed he was in love with me, even though I had pushed him away unfalteringly since the first night.

I let his hand go, raising my fingers to his cheek. He flinched slightly, they were still cold from the water. I studied him, trying to figure out what to do, how to get him to go away. The boy would be the death of me, otherwise.

When the solution hit me, I couldn't help but laugh slightly, a couple of harsh syllables that contained nothing of joy.

"Alright, Kamui." I brought my hands down to the buttons of his shirt.

His shirt made a delightful, starchy snap as I pulled it out of the waistband of his pants and spread it open. His eyes were closed now, his face turned away. He was breathing in these little gasps. It was adorable. I leaned down to nip at his collarbone, and he yelped softly.

"Relax, Kamui-kun." Some more rational part of me was frightened at the tone of my voice. I had heard it before.

I pushed him, a small smile hovering on my lips as I watched him stumble and fall against the wall, startled eyes flying open to lock with mine. I grabbed his shoulder, held him in place even as my other hand pulled at the waist of his pants.

He made a small, scared squeak, hands slamming up against my chest as he cast a worried glance at the door. I nuzzled into his neck, grazing his skin with my teeth, as I tugged his zipper down, sliding my hand into his pants.

"Subaru-san!" He whispered, frightened, even as his body jumped at my touch. When I didn't respond, he pushed at me, telling me to stop. I didn't want to hear it. I kissed him, hard, muffling any more protests.

Several seconds later, he pulled away from the kiss, panting. He was flushed, sweating slightly, eyes were screwed tightly shut. I laughed softly, brought my hand up from stroking him to catch his chin and pull his lips back up to mine, teeth pulling on his bottom lip.

I could hear Sorata outside, gushing over the food, which had finally arrived. I turned my head slightly.

"Subaru, stop!" Kamui was panicked now, he had heard them also. He twisted in my grip, trying to get away. I watched him as he tried to break my hold on him, tears threatening to brim over.

I smiled at him, an angry, contemptuous twist of my lips, and stepped away, releasing him to turn to the sink, washing my hands, watching as he shakily fixed his clothing. I dried my hands, turning back to him.

He wrapped his arms around himself, averting his eyes. He was still breathing heavily, eyes dark.

"They're waiting for us, Kamui." My words were light, nonchalant. He tightened his arms around himself, and bit his lip. I watched him for a few moments, letting the silence grow between us. Finally, he finally looked up at me, and I could see the fear in his eyes.

I laughed softly to myself and then turned, tossing the paper towel into the trash. He wasn't going to be any more trouble.

I left him there, went to rejoin the rest. His taste still lingered on my lips.


	13. Spanish Doll

You'd think by now, everyone would know how utterly horrible I am at keeping up a decent writing pace. Man, I'm sorry. But I say that every time.

Two more chapters left after this one. Man, I –never- thought I'd get this far.

Huge thanks to Catie, who supported the concept of this chapter 100 and to Colin, who managed to keep an open mind. (or at least open enough to forget how he first hated it. snickers)

And hey, thanks to all of you. It means a lot to me, that people actually like this fic.

-- Spanish Doll --

I had never been down the alleyway in my life. Truthfully, I preferred taking subways home… established routes. My sense of direction had never been very accurate and I didn't like to run the risk of wasting time by getting lost.

It was chance that had me turning away from the safe paths that night. I felt like walking, not even minding the fact that I had gotten vaguely lost. I was only a mile or two at most from my apartment.

Chance that I happened across her. I stared, remembering another time when warm, red raindrops fell on my cheeks, seeming like tears for a heartbeat until they slid down my face slowly. Red smears left on my bare fingertips. A light yellow dress, barely distinguishable under the rust that stained it.

Tonight was different though. There was a light mist, little pinpoints of water that didn't deserve to be called rain, and the dress was blue, torn and dirty. She had been crying before… tears streaked down the visible side her pale face, matting her dark hair to her cheek.

There was blood, staining the ground, the soles of my shoes. More than I remembered from the first time I had seen this.

A girl, nothing more than a child, sprawled bonelessly in front of me like a discarded toy, a hole ripped through her. It was an obscene display that threatened to turn my stomach and I stared at her, feeling the familiar, pressing darkness close in on me… only this time I was alone and the blackness was only a product of the night and my imagination.

Slowly, I lowered myself to one knee, reaching out tentatively to brush her hair back from her face. It was sticky, matted together slightly. The skin under my hand felt almost plastic, fake. It was too cold.

Her features were blurred, generic and it was eerie how much she echoed my memories of my first meeting with him, sprawled almost gracefully in odd angles.

I wondered distantly how many children Seishirou had killed. Unlike his other victims, they were innocent sacrifices… they weren't political targets. He didn't get paid for them, did he?

Yet I knew he had created scenes like this before, countless times. It chilled me a bit because I knew that the only thing that prevented me from lying like this at his feet was curiosity and a silly bet. He always was impulsive. Something I had started to realize that hadn't been an act, the first year.

I used to think that it was a combination of shock and Seishirou's illusions that kept me from running that day, that kept me there.

Now, I wondered if I wasn't also somewhat curious. I had never seen someone die before. Had never been subjected to any real danger before.

It fascinated me. Then and now… and perhaps that was part of the reason I still found myself drawn to him, even though I recognized the relationship for the farce it was.

Lately I had been thinking, turning over everything that had passed between us, examining it from as many angles as possible. It's amazing how I used to keep the truth from myself. I blamed him unconditionally, just like I loved him.

I couldn't blame him any more. In so many ways, I had set myself up for a fall. I depended on Hokuto too much, was too assured of the stability of my life. But no one is invulnerable. Everyone is alone.

I realized with a bit of a start that I was unconsciously arranging the body in front of me. Pulling the tangles out of her hair, straightening her dress.

I never knew that blood itched as it cooled. It was making my clothes stick to my skin, strangely stiff. I straightened a bit, noticing that the darkness was lightening, blue flashes piercing it through. The police were here. They hadn't seen me yet though, nor did they know what they were dealing with. A neighbor had probably called them. I stood up slowly, a bit regretfully. I should go.

I looked over her once more, quickly, to verify that there wasn't any traceable evidence on her body. Unlike Seishirou, I hadn't been trained on how to erase those telltale signs yet, and it wouldn't do for the police to trace this back to me.

It wouldn't do for the Sumeragi to be revealed as a murder. At least not until it suited my purposes.

Satisfied, I wrapped illusion around myself, continuing on my way home.


	14. Amazed

_Haunted Chapter 14 Amazed  
by Katalyst_

Once again, you'll recognize most of the dialogue in here. . It has, again, been edited for the story's purposes, but almost all of the dialogue has been pulled from volume 16.

There is one more chapter after this, an epilogue, which -will- be released by mid-november. It's... pretty amazing to think that it's almost over. x.x;

Thanks goes to my betas... Mitsu for pointing out my stupid typos and Colin for his constant nit-picks which keep me on track.. and especially to Trisha, for her constant needling for me to write, and her phenomonal patience while I babbled about Subaru being an unreliable narrator and whining about killing the ironic balance of this chapter and how I sucked. Trisha, you rock.

Edit: This chapter was originally all screwed up in its formatting. I apologize, to the people who have already read it. If they come back to read it, that is. X.x;

----

It was windy, enough so that I had trouble lighting my cigarette, the flame dancing and flickering even in the protective barrier of my hand.

He was late, but I didn't care. I watched the town; frowning a bit at the thought that this might well be the last time I had the opportunity to stand here, to appreciate this view.

I watched the city, absorbed in thought enough that I didn't sense his approach until I felt the soft brush of fingers over my hand.

I looked back, up into his face. He was smiling carelessly as if this was nothing more than another rendezvous, another conversation that would end in a cheap motel.

I looked down at our hands, tilting my head a little, watching the cigarette burn slowly. Every conversation needs a start. "The ash is going to fall on your hand."

He sounded amused, almost incredulous. "And you're worried about that? As kind as ever, aren't you."

I almost laughed at that. He still underestimated me. Instead I took a slow breath, looking out at the city impassively one last time. It was time to show him.

"No. I've changed." I turned to face him, not quite pulling my hand away. "You changed me."

He smiled condescendingly as he reached for my cigarette, his hand dripping with blood.

So that was the reason he was so late. I had assumed he simply wanted to make an entrance. "You've just killed someone here, haven't you."

He let out a long breath of smoke, smiling at me lazily. "Well, I am the Sakurazukamori."

I looked down, trying to keep from smiling a bit. I suppose he thought I was shocked or upset.

Lightning cracked, close. It was time to begin. I reached into my jacket, pulling out a handful of ofuda, attacking first, barely giving Seishirou enough time to shield himself.

The bridge swayed under the deflected impact of the explosions, and I watched with a smirk as Seishirou's shield began to crumble and he jumped to balance on the thick cable. I was stronger now. I held my hands out, concentrating, building the kekkai around us.

I didn't see him reach for his ofuda, simply shielded as they swirled around me, deflecting them so the force of their explosion would take out a section of the bridge other than the one I was standing on.

Concrete and rebar and steel tore themselves apart, falling to the water below with a crash. Droplets of water fell around us, and energy sizzled through the air, creating our own private typhoon.

I stepped up onto a jagged piece of concrete, looking across the destruction towards him. He was still smiling, though he looked slightly annoyed that he hadn't caught me in the blast.

My turn again.

I chose birds this time, sending them diving at him, most spattering into illusory blood as they hit his shields. My eyes followed Seishirou as he dodged this attack too, and I followed him with it, not intending on letting him get away, redoubling and changing the attack as he set up a shield so that he had to also deflect it with his coat. I smirked. He was such a show-off.

The spent ofuda fell like snow, shredded paper drifting to the ground all around us.

Petals swirled around me, ripping through the wind, and I found myself caught, thin sakura branches twining around me, holding me still as darkness rolled in, pulled along by the flowers, and suddenly everything was calm. There was no noise, no wind, not even the tang of ozone in the air.

I took a moment to catch my breath, calmly twisting my hand in the binding, ignoring the way the bark scraped at my skin to slip an ofuda out of my sleeve. I pressed my thumb to it, carefully using the edge of the paper to part the skin, letting blood well up and soak into the paper, dripping a little onto the ground.

The illusion shattered, exploding out and swept away by the storm.

I shook my head at him, smiling a bit. He should know better. "Even without an illusion like that, I've been caught by the sakura. Ever since that day."

He was smiling at me thinly as he reached up to pull his sunglasses off.

For some reason, I thought he seemed angry, though his voice was as calm and unruffled as ever. "The Kamui of the Dragons of Earth was saying that no one but me can fulfill your true wish."

He paused, letting the silence grow, almost expectant. I raised an eyebrow a bit, realizing belatedly what he was asking. I had to suppress a smile as I answered. "Do you think my wish is to kill you?"

He smiled sweetly at me. "I wouldn't presume."

I let the moment fix itself in my mind, the thick feel of concrete dust in the air, the wind that seemed too dry, devoid of life and feeling.

He wanted more. I could see it in the slight tilt of his head, the way his guarded eyes searched mine. I didn't give it, but I couldn't help the lift of my lips as I held my hands out, fingers curled and twisted precisely.

The wind picked up debris and crackled as it whipped around us, tendrils of power seeming to dance with it. It was almost incandescently bright, our combined powers rendering Seishirou a dark, small silhouette that seemed impossibly far away.

Before it exploded, I wonder if he saw me the same way.

I can't say for certain what happened inside that light that swallowed up sound and air and threatened to burn us both away. One moment, he had been out of reach, the next close enough to kiss. I remember turning to him though, catching the arm of his coat in a hand and pulling him closer.

I didn't hear the explosion, but I heard the strange dull cracking sound as my hand found its way through muscle and bone, tearing a hole through Seishirou.

Something changed in me as Seishirou crumpled in my arms, a floodgate of power abruptly turned off and I looked up, watched my kekkai dissolving slowly.

I let my eyes drift down, to look at him, his hand clenching at my shoulder in a grip that might have been painful if I couldn't feel the weakness behind it. His head rested against my chest, and he was still breathing, slow gasping breaths. I had missed the heart.

Blood seeped from the wound, staining his jacket a darker black, glistening wetly. I pulled my hand back slowly, disentangling myself and lowering us both to the ground carefully, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

I realized with a start that he was smiling still, looking up at me as he spoke.

"It seems… it wasn't needed…"

I frowned softly, confused. Of all the things I had expected Seishirou to say, that wasn't it. "What?"

He took a shallow breath, which gurgled in his throat softly. His lungs must have been filling with blood. "The final spell... your sister gave her life... to cast..."

"Your sister wished that... when the time came that I tried to kill you in the same way that I killed her... It would turn back upon me instead... However…"

He lifted a hand, weakly pressing it over the hole in his chest, as if it could stop the blood from spilling out, staining our clothes and the ground beneath us, holding us together.

I looked up into the sky. All I could see were phantom sakura petals and real shards of metal and glass, falling out of a wind that had almost died completely.

I closed my eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. The dust was settling, the air moist again. "The two of us now... are like a mirror image of those figures in the past, aren't we?"

"When I... killed Hokuto-chan... I thought you… intended to kill me. However, later, I thought... you... never have been able to prepare yourself to kill anyone... Because... you're kind..." He reached up to lay his fingers against my cheek, slick and cold with blood.

I looked back down at him, dispassionately taking in the wry smile. His fingers traced my cheekbone, sliding down my face slowly. I took the hand in my own, leaning down to trace his lips with my own.

"Am I still kind?"

He laughed, a bubbling, broken sound. "Yes. There is no greater happiness than being killed by the one you love."

I wonder if he was looking for shock, some outburst of emotion at the admission. Instead I smiled, reaching up to smooth his hair back, dampening it with his own blood. "I wonder who I'll be killed by."

He smiled softly, shaking his head. "No one."

I frowned, opened my mouth to ask him why, what made him so sure, but his muscles were slackening, his eyes falling shut.

I stared at the body in my arms for a moment, then looked up. Kamui was there, staring at me, screaming something. I assumed it was my name. I stood, smiling at him. Feeling impossibly light I leaned down to pull Seishirou into my arms.

The bridge would collapse soon


	15. If You Were Here

I left the bridge, somehow knowing where to go, how to hide us from the rest of the world, how to support you with magic so I could carry you back here. 

We could almost be like any other lovers in a park right now, you lying with your head in my lap as I run my blood-coated fingers through your hair, speaking to you softly as the sakura rustles a bit, soothingly.

I think it likes me, Seishirou-san. It enjoyed my story too. Did you know that it would? Did you ever think about it? I'm sure you must have, at least once. You might have even intended this from the beginning.

Now that I've inherited your position, I wonder... should I step into your life completely? I smile, imagining Kamui's face as he fights against me, wondering if he'd even be able to.

Amused at myself, I hold my hand up to your cheek, brushing over it. I had never had the chance before, to take my time like this. You would never have allowed yourself to be so vulnerable as to fall asleep next to me.

Thoughtfully, I let my finger trace over your blind eye, wondering what it meant to you. Was it simply an inconvenience? Or, perhaps, it was a reminder of that time, and the role you played for me.

Somehow, I think that time was precious for you.

It's morbid, what I'm considering now, but I think it's a shame to leave it like this. After all, I have always had something physically marking me, to remind me of you. Now that you're dead, your marks have faded from my hands already. It feels… empty.

It's astonishingly easy to remove.

I slide it into a pocket, realizing how stiff with blood my clothing has become, and how cold you seem. I've been here for far too long.

Very well. I'll bury you now. You can keep Hokuto-chan company. I'm sure she'd like that. She always told me how much she enjoyed talking with you. I suppose, now, you two will have all the time in the world to talk.

I know you won't be lonely. I'll bring you new friends so that you never get bored. And I'll be here for you too.

I take my time, making sure that the grave is perfect before stepping back, pulling out the pack of cigarettes and lighting one. I let the smoke curl around me for a moment.

The tree wants to know what I've decided to do. Can you guess, Seishirou-san?

This is why, today… I shall let you go.

././. end ././.

Credits: Wow. three years. damn. Some thanks are definetly in order. Without these people, I so could not have gotten through this.

Angel of the Eclipse: aha... yeah. I -did- mean November of last year. I just suck at keeping writing deadlines. ; but honestly -thank you- for the support you've given me... your reviews are always so nice and they make me want to get off my ass and work. :3 Sorry this chapter is so brief, but I hope that it ties things up nicely!

Ruby: you silly ho. thanks for being so energetic and spazzy and being one of my biggest fans/supporters.

Lauren: thank you for introducing me to X, for freaking out and telling me to write this. I hope that you don't murder me for the direction it took... a bit more morbid than our original concept, I know.

Kat: your insane!subaru has affected me more than I think is healthy XD and I so need to post that fanart you drew for this way back when... thank you for helping to beta and fanbabble XD

Trisha: Ah, the dangers of having a fan for a flatmate. :X Thank you for not killing me in my sleep when I don't update. >.> I know it's taken restraint. Also, thank you for listening to my frustration-venting and giving me a different perspective, as well as keeping tabs on what the rest of the fandom's been doing. loveyou.

Catie: thank you for being my best distraction, first line of beta, and overall "DO EET" girl. XD; I blame you for so much in this fic. Including some of the update pace. >.>;

Colin: you're so much more than my favorite grammar-nazi. :p you're the person I bounce the majority of my ideas off of. you've been in on this since the beginning... I think albumfic was -your- idea. you're the best twinchan evah.

Finally, to everyone who's read, reviewed, and overall enjoyed this. thanks. it's been fun.


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